Not just facts- now feelings

I just realized that I mainly posted details of the last year without a ton of anything else. Well, here’s a bit more of the “everything else”.
I have a lot of good friends and family. There were many great emails, face to face chats, facebook messages and comments, phone conversations, cards, and other communications from many friends and family whom I did not mention in my last post. Thank you all. There are no words to describe how much that meant. It did help buoy me up throughout this past year- even in my darkest times at 3:30 in the morning.
Death is hard for me and always has been- ever since my Grandpa Pay died when I was 9- almost 10. But, it’s not because of the thought of I will never see them again or they are gone forever. No, it is much different than that.
For me, my problem with death is separation anxiety. I will see my loved ones again after they, or I, die. It may just be a very long time- a veeeerrrryyy long time. My dad is still around and he still lives, just not in a way that I can see him and talk to him in a face to face manner. He wont read my facebook posts, I wont get a letter from him, but I know he lives.
He lives just as Jesus Christ lives. He will see his brother again, and I am sure that he was there to greet my dad with open arms, along with his brother Georgie who died at a young age. His parents were there to see him again. His in-laws were there, I am sure- my Grandma and Grandpa pay. All of our past pets rubbed against him. Our friend Rod, who committed suicide, was there and welcomed him to the other side.
All of our friends and loved ones who have passed away are still by us in spirit and still visit us often- of that I am sure. We just can’t see them.
Losing my dad to death has been very difficult, but at the same time, I will see him again and talk with him and laugh and joke as we always have- it will just be a great many years (I hope).
Another major thing that I forgot to mention is a dream that I had in November. In my dreams, I interact with people, but I can never actually feel or touch them. If I shake hands or hug people in my dreams, it is just as if I am watching myself on a video- one step away from reality.
In June, July, and August, I was having nightmares- as I mentioned in my last post. Watching my dad deteriorate again was the worst thing imaginable. Eventually these dreams switched to where my dad was in them, I would see him, but wouldn’t interact really with him.
In November, at the beginning of the month, I had a dream where I actually talked with my dad. I don’t remember much of it anymore, but I do remember a few details. He told me that he loved me, that I will always be his son, that he will continue to watch out for me, and that he was proud of me. He then gave me a hug- and I felt it! It was as real as anything I have ever felt in my life. He was in my dream that night to let me know that he was okay and that he lived.
I woke up in heaping sobs. It was about 3 AM. Without saying a word, Aleisha just rolled over, hugged me, and held me until I could talk to her about it. These are the ways that we have been helping each other the last months.
Near the beginning of December, I had another dream that my mom, dad, Aleisha, and I were eating dinner at the Nevada Dinner Club in Elko, Nevada, one of our favorite restaurants. He told us that he was sorry but that he had to go. We followed him outside and we were in the Four Queens casino in Las Vegas. I sat next to him for a few minutes and gambled, and then I woke up. It was nowhere near the same intensity, and it was much more dreamlike, but it still felt like my dad was there and apologizing for the turmoil he caused, even though he didn’t need to apologize, but it was something he would do.
After losing a very close loved one, I can truly say that it gets better over time. I still miss my dad a lot. Right now, that is my major feeling. I haven’t talked to him for almost 7 months and it seems like it is way overdue. But, on a daily basis, it continues to get better. I would not wish this on anyone, yet it is something that all of us must deal with at sometime.
For those who might have been concerned after reading the last post, there is no need to be concerned. I am doing as well as can be expected. If you asked me right now how my life is, I would say that it is in progress. It is getting better every day. Just by writing these posts the last couple of days, my heart is lifted and I am starting to feel a weight that I didn’t even know was there lifted. There are still bad days- days when I have no desire to do anything, but there are days when I feel strong and ready to take on the world.
Losing a loved one is a roller coaster ride of emotions- that is for sure.But it is what can brings us closer together as friends and family. It can bond us in ways impossible to imagine. It can take you down to the depths and bring you back better than you have ever been in some ways in the same few seconds.
I am getting better.
My life is in progress.
I believe in the afterlife- I know it exists.